Monday, May 30, 2011

Small Victories

Ever since I've starting my cardio routine I have been craving spicy Mexican Food like a pregnant chick. The spicier the better I'm talking runny nose by the time I'm done spicy. SPICY!!!

At around 8am today I was hit by one of these cravings......I wanted Menudo. Spicy Menudo with lots and lots of lemon. I had to have some. I wrapped up some work I had to do and headed to La Villa on Union for an early lunch.

Let me share something with you guys only my closest friends and family are kind of aware of. It's something you may not have to think about but it's a.......hmmmm I actually don't know what to call it. I'm just gonna call it a 'fear'. A fear I have or maybe I should call it a 'dread'? Well you can decide.

I dislike eating at a lot of places because I'm so big I do not fit in the normal size booths they have for their customers. So when I go to dinner with friends I have to discreetly let the waiter or waitress know that I'd prefer a table instead of a booth. It may not seem like much to a lot of you but trust me we all have our own social phobias we battle with and this has been a huge one for me over the years.

So there I am at La Villa and I had already ordered my Menudo to go. I stood quietly off in the corner as another dude ordered a torta and some tacos also to go. Not because he was too fat to fit in a booth but probably because he had other things to do. I looked at the booth then looked at my belly. I've lost some pounds I know this. Some inches from my chest, my shoulders, my legs, by back. But my waist refuses to budge. The kid who had ordered after me was locked into a video game oblivious to the fact there was a fat kid considering trying to over come one of the biggest fears of his life from over the last ten years. The lady working the counter went into the back to work on our orders. It was just me and the oblivious video game kid.

Should I try? Will I fit? Will I get stuck? Will I break the booth? Will the kid see me try, fail then laugh at me? Fuck it, know one is looking let's give it a try. I walked over to the nearest booth put my hands on the table top and slid in. Wholly shit I thought to myself? I fit!!! I'm in the booth!! A boyish grin stretched across my face as I sat there speechless. It was still a tight fit, but I was in! I looked over at the kid to see if he was about to congratulate me but he was still to locked in on his game to know I had just taken another small victory in this war I fight daily to reclaim my life.

The chick from the counter returned from the back of the restaurant with my order. "Here's your Menudo to go" she said. I stood up from where I was sitting walked over grabbed my bag. I walked over to a booth by the exit with a nice view of the street slid in and sat down to enjoy my early lunch.

"I thought you wanted it to go?" asked the lady...."yeah, I changed my mind" I said as I dumped a bunch of chili and squeezed a bunch of lemon into the cup-o-menudo.

1 comment:

  1. Beautiful!

    Something I (and maybe a lot of people) always wonder about but have never had 2 deal with. I have however, always been sensitive 2 this issue, so I know that it can't B easy 2 admit or write about. I can't tell U how hard it was 2 watch my hubby's face & demeanor change while U were in the hospital. It was sure different 2 C that mountain of a man reduced 4 that brief period of time.

    So amazing 2 hear that U are overcoming this monkey on your back the way U R & that it will B a non-issue in the very near future. So proud of how far U have come & what U continue 2 do on a daily basis. For yourself & your loved ones.

    U have our hearts...I know I speak 4 more than just the people I live with. XOXOXO